The Strangers review

No, I didn't see it (those who know me know that I'd rather eat a bowl of broken glass than go to a movie theater), but here's one by Sonny Bunch over at The Weekly Standard:

As a thriller, The Strangers is effective insofar as it has a number of chest-tightening sequences created by little more than mood, shadows, and figures in the background. It doesn't rely on sharp crescendos in the music or moments of shocking violence to provoke a start in the audience (though a Carrieesque ending feels forced). The little violence there is in The Strangers is methodical and unsurprising--in a way, inevitable. Not to mention gruesome.

I post this because the commercials for it look amazing. I am fired up for it come out on DVD so I can get it from Netflix.

Roger Ebert's not a huge fan of Sex and the City

He starts his review with this:

I am not the person to review this movie. Perhaps you will enjoy a review from someone who disqualifies himself at the outset, doesn’t much like most of the characters and is bored by their bubble-brained conversations.

I don't blame him for disliking it, I just can't believe he gave it 2 stars. From the commercials, it looks like a sure-fire -34 stars from me. God willing, I will never see it and have to find out.

What I find interesting is that Roger Ebert is a hypocritical windbag. Let's see some movies that he gave zero stars to and didn't disqualify himself as not in the intended target audience as an adult movie reviewer:

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Freddy Got Fingered
Police Academy
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Tomcats

I am not defending these movies, just pointing out that I guess when it comes to chick flicks, he's too much of a pansy to rip them honestly.

Weekend movie reviews

I'm pretty busy, but here are the three movies I watched this weekend, in order from worst to first (very light on links, sorry). I was surprised at how strong this group was:

American Pie Presents Beta House
This is something like the 3rd movie they have made that went straight to video, and they have all been good. The other two have good stories, but this one was lacking. I'm willing to overlook that, as there were lots of times I laughed out loud during this one. If you are also in a perpetual state of immaturiy and enjoy movies about fraternity rivalries (even though I wasn't in a frat), you should get a kick out of this one.

The Simpsons Movie
I thought this movie was very funny, and it's only not in the top slot due to the other movie's surprising greatness. I went in with moderate expectations, as Simpsons fans I know crapped on it. I could have done without all of the environmental hippie-ness, but they did it in a funny way. Matt Groening and crew had a very difficult job in making this movie, as they wanted it to feel bigger than a TV episode but not over-the-top in silliness. I think they succeeded. Plus, the animation was outstanding.

Kickin It Old Skool
I'm not completely surprised at how funny this was, but I didn't expect it, especially since it started pretty slowly and had some weak moments. It was also very formulaic. The great moments were enough to overcome that, however. Plus, it's a formula for a reason: it works. I loved Malibu's Most Wanted, so I figured Jamie Kennedy wouldn't give me a metaphorical pile of poop. He didn't.

I originally wrote the things I liked about this movie in paragraph format, but it was very poorly written. Here's a list:

1. The cast was excellent, and the female lead was played by the comely Maria Menounos. Also included was Shooter McGavin, Forman's mom, Juwanna Mann, and (very briefly) Cameron.

2. There was tons of great 1980's music, including Herbie Hancock's "Rockit" being played about 10 times and a crapload of old rap.

3. There were lots of references to 1980's toys and other cultural stuff in the dialogue, as might be expected when the movie is about a 32-year-old man who woke up from a 20-year coma in 2006.

4. The breakdancing scenes were quite enjoyable.

Quote of the movie: "They also made jeans washed in acid. Which is AWESOME!" (Maybe you have to see it in context.)

I cannot recommend this movie highly enough if you like some combination of the things I described in the list above. It was one of the best movies I've seen in a long time.

OK, I had to find some pictures:

Movie Review - Death Proof

I'm staying in tonight and drinking beers since I am heading to Valpo tomorrow morning for the VU-Loyola game. In the meantime, I am watching the NBA League Pass free preview of the Hawks and Sonics. Boring, I know, but I just finished Grindhouse: Death Proof. It was pretty much awesome.

It was sort of like two movies jammed into one. With Kurt Russell as the antagonist, he's one of my favorite actors ever and that alone would make this movie good.

However, there were a few other things going for it. First, there is an extended scene of people hanging out at a bar and getting drunk. It looked pretty fun. Second, there were some great action scenes. Third, there was a tremendous collection of talent.

For example, there is the always effervescent Rose McGowan:

Then there is this girl, who I have seen before somewhere but can't place it. I don't remember where I saw her. She sort of looks like the Chino girlfriend that Ryan knocked up in The OC. Yep, she's giving the best lap dance ever in this scene:

Here is Cheryl Ladd's daughter:

Lucy McClane from Live Free or Die Hard is here, too, and wearing a cheerleader outfit the whole time. Of course, if Minnie Driver was in LFoDH I would probably think she was good-looking, too:

I always wax back and forth on how attractive Rosario Dawson is. She's not Hollywood hot, but she is regular life hot, so I'll give her a thumbs up:

This girl is basically just a stunt woman who was cast as herself (a stunt woman filming a movie) and also did her own stunts in this movie. And when you see it, you'll see that these stunts are freaking crazy. Anyway, she's a Kiwi:

Last and certainly not least is Sidney Poitier's daughter. I'm not going to write any more than she is the most attractive gal in the movie to me. She's also 5'11", so maybe that's part of why I like her. Her character's name is Jungle Julia, but I'm quite sure what that's supposed to mean:

Since this already the longest blog post of all time, here are some other cool pictures I found on Google Images:

Movie Review - Deck The Halls

This is a decent enough family movie (it's rated PG). Matthew Broderick is willing to spend the movie looking like a fool for laughs, so good for him. Danny Devito is pretty good, too, as is that girl from Arrested Development (she's very funny, and she needs to weasel her way into some Jud Apatow movies). Kal Penn has an uncredited cameo.

In addition, there is some older talent. Don't worry, the twins that play Devito's daughters were born in 1984:

Also, they were in that Acuvue commercial for contact lenses that correct astigmatism.

In summary, this movie kind of cliche at times but still moderately entertaining.

My Festivus Eve

So since everyone is out of town and I STILL don't have any money or cards after losing my wallet last week, I have spent my night doing the following:

- Taking the Blue Line to Western and walking to the Tap Room for a few $2 pints

- Coming home and watching Hannibal Rising (review forthcoming) while continuing to drink beer

- Blogging my arse off

- Now, after Reuter fixed my VCR last weekend, I am watching my tape of Die Hard 2: Die Harder to see Fred Thompson at his acting peak (and I am still drinking beer)

Sure, it's the worst of the four Die Hard movies, but that's like being the ugliest Victoria's Secret model: it still is awesome compared to most other movies (or women, respectively). Plus, one of the bad guys is the dude who played Swede Risberg in Eight Men Out:

Now comes the half-drunk live-blogging:

Let's not forget Chicago's own Dennis Franz in the movie as the hard-ass DC cop. The most amazing thing is that when he filmed this movie, he was closer to my current age than my dad's, while he right now OLDER than my dad (who was born in 1946). Cripes, I'm getting old.

How about another note: faxes are considered high-tech in this movie. Wow. Break out the Apple II's!

Oh crap, the first Fred! sighting! Awesome. Hail to the chief. Very underrated Christmas movie, I say.

Oh my goodness...John McClane and the next president in the same control tower. I almost had a heart attack, though it could have been the lack of exercise. AWESOME. Yes, I'm a nerd for both Die Hard movies and Fred! Also, the Budweisers are flowing pretty quickly.

This is no newsflash, but the biggest problem with this movie is that it's the ultimate in late 1980's-early 1990's sequels. By that I mean that there are a bunch of snarky and half-clever references to the first movie. This was amazingly rectified in the incredibly awesome third movie only 5 years later; it was basically a turning point for Hollywood to dump the lame sequel model for the MUCH more successful model they've had since then for any good ones. The best example is probably Spiderman 2, which standing alone was an Oscar-worthy movie (says I), let alone for those that saw the first one (which is, of course, everyone).

Sweet. I can't believe after watching Con Air so often I finally see the guy who was Vince Larkin's nemesis. You know, the guy with the really fast car that Larkin steals to get to the abondoned Air Force base. Anyway, I've got a great eye for those links between my favorite movies I have on tape. I'm most amazed that Con Air came out in 1997, which is after I graduated school. I would have guessed it was earlier. Anyway, I've always loved it while Tony has HATED it.

How about one of the all-time best bad guys in movie history in William Atherton, who plays the smarmy TV reporter? He was also in the same role in Ghostbusters, Real Genius, and the first Die Hard.

Holy balls, John Amos! Dynomite!

It's really been a long time since I've watched a movie on tape. With good reason,I guess, since the quality is garbage.

OK, now the bad guys get away from the church on snowmobiles. DC never gets very much snow. How could they ever plan such an escape? They aren't the best meterologists in the area, I'm sure. Paint me skeptical.

Before John Amos' character turns on McClane, he's one of the best in the movie. He pretty much makes the movie since the rest of it is so ridiculous. John Amos rules!

Now Lorenzo is with McClane. About F'n time. Kick some butt, dudes.

Fred's been gone for the past hour and more. But now he's back! Cut some taxes and deport some illegals, Fred!

Kick ass. I just heard this:

[McClane is showing his nervousness while riding in a helicopter]
Chopper Pilot: What's the matter, cowboy? Ride too rough?
John McClane: I don't like to fly.
Samantha Coleman: Then what are you doing here?
John McClane: I don't like to lose either.

Yeah!

Movie Review - Apocalypto

So I watched Apocalypto last night. It's Mel Gibson's first movie after The Passion of the Christ. I liked The Passion, but if you didn't you will likely still like Apocalypto, as I thought it was excellent.

It had a great story and very good action. It's about the Mayans taking over villages and what they did with the captives, except here one of them escapes. A great manhunt ensues, and it becomes about vengeance and rescue.

Anyway, here is my favorite part of the movie BY FAR. It's a spooky little girl the Mayans find as they are transporting their captives to the Mayan city:

Oracle Girl: [the Prophecy] You fear me? So you should. All you who are vile. Would you like to know how you will die? The sacred time is near. Beware the blackness of day. Beware the man who brings the jaguar. Behold him reborn from mud and earth. For the one he takes you to will cancel the sky, and scratch out the earth. Scratch you out. And end your world. He's with us now. Day will be like night. And the man jaguar will lead you to your end.

You have to see the movie to get the context, but it was a freakin' awesome scene and it ends up being amazing prescient. Don't worry, I haven't given anything away. The whole movie gets two big thumbs up from me.

Movie Review - The Hitcher

Just finished watching this. It's a remake of some old movie (i.e., a movie that came out when I was in sixth grade) that I've never seen. Thus, I have nothing to compare it to. I should look into it, though, since it starred C. Thomas Howell (a.k.a., star of that documentary Soul Man), Jennifer Jason Leigh, and, best of all, RUTGER HAUER. By the way, poking through Howell's resume leads to something called The Outsiders. The movie looks lame, but the cast has enough big names to make my head explode. Trust me, click on that link. One thing I'd like to note is that it's the acting debut of Michelle Meyrink, who is best known for her role as Gilbert Lowell's girlfriend in Revenge of the Nerds (she also played a pedophile who looked like a lesbian in Real Genius). She only appeared in ten roles in her career, but two of them are in classic 1980's movies.

Anyway, the reviews of the 2007 version were pretty brutal, and there are certainly no future stars in this version. However, it does have a couple of people who have made appearances in It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia with small roles. First, there is Lil Kev, best known as the "retarded" rapper in "Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person". (His character in this movie isn't too bright, either.) I somehow missed him in "The Gang Gets Invincible". Also, there is the girl Dennis hits on at the lupus fundraiser in "Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad".

To get to the point, I liked this movie. The action was pretty intense. Plus, it starred the lovely and talented Sophia Bush, shown here in the film's penultimate scene:



Did you know she was the 2000 Tournament of Roses Parade Queen? Me neither, but she is definitely pretty enough. She's not just Hollywood attractive, she's beauty queen attractive.

Yes, this post took me 30 minutes to write, what with all the links and such.

Ripoff alert - Sweeney Todd: the Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Apparently this movie is actually a musical. The trailers are trying to trick people.

If you want to see a musical, go for it. Otherwise, you will get screwed.

Reno 911: Miami

Hmmm. I've heard from some that this movie was horrible. Today, however, I read that Scott Keith thought it was very funny.

That is all.

More movie rviews

Casino Royale - This was a really good movie. They transformed the Bond character from a dude who was sort of like Superman to a John McClane-type. He got his ass kicked all over the place and didn't have that air of invincibility that has marked previous Bond films. As good as it was, it didn't compare to...

Live Free or Die Hard - A truly glorious movie. I absolutely love the Die Hard series, and this may have been the best one yet. Some scenes were just a tad too ridiculous (and I know that says a lot when talking about these films) for me to be too effusive with my praise, though. Anyway, it was a great comeback for the series. I wants me some more John McClane!

Movie Reviews

I am spending my day watching movies. Last night on NBC was The Incredibles, which I'd seen before. I recorded it because I really liked it the first time. Since it's PG, I recorded it and watched it today with no commercials (and no worries about good parts being edited). I thought it was great again, and I may have to put it in my list of all-time favorites. Seriously.

I am finishing The Good Shepherd. It's pretty good, I guess, but I'm not a huge fan of movies in which the story bounces around so much over long time frames.

There were no such issues with Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj. The original was good, and so was this one (but not as good as the first). One thing I liked about it was that it was set in England and all of the actors who played Europeans actually lived their roles. What I mean by that is that a real Irishman played the Irish guy, and English folks played the roles of the Englishmen. It's one of my pet peeves when Hollywood takes a foreigner to play an American (like that idiot Colin Farrell) or a hot chick to play an ugly one (like the enchanting Charlize Theron). Aren't there enough Americans and ugly women looking for acting work? Of course, as I write that Taj, who has an Indian accent, is played by Kal Penn, who has no accent and is from New Jersey. He's funny, so I can accept that.

Starting right now is Casino Royale, so I'll try to post about it later. After that is the European Beer Tour at Quenchers! I am so excited I almost shat myself.

Movie Reviews - 9/3/07

Here's my wrap-up of this weekend's Netflix rentals:

The Quiet
I don't even know how this one made my queue, other than it has Elisha Cuthbert in it. It's a drama or something, but it was a solid all-around movie. The underlying theme is that Elisha is doing it with her dad. No joke. That's not giving away much, since we become aware of it about 15 minutes in. There's also a deaf girl who lives with the family because her parents are dead, which of course becomes integral to the story. Finally, I have to give some credit to the casting decision of new-to-the-scene Katy Mixon. Her DOB isn't given in IMDB, so until I know she's not underage I'll leave my comments at that.

Crank
I'm not much of a fan of Jason Statham and his movies, since that style of editing hurts my head to watch. However, if there was ever a movie to do it, it's this one since it worked perfectly with the story line. The movie is based on a great concept, and everyone did a good job pulling it off. Basically, he is a hitman who has to keep his adrenaline pumping to stay alive. Besides the action, there are interesting ways he does this, from pounding Red Bull to having sex with Amy Smart in Chinatown on the sidewalk in front of 50 people to stealing epinephrine from Dennis Reynolds. Overall it was good if you like action movies.

May 6th
This movie may require some explanation: On May 6, 2002, Pim Fortuyn (a candidate for Prime Minister of the Netherlands) was killed by an environmentalist nut-job. Fortuyn's party would have likely gotten a plurality in the upcoming election. It can't be overstated how his election would have shaken up Dutch politics. He was the first major political figure to speak out against the massive immigration of Muslims into the country, and this drove the Left there absolutely batty. He was regularly compared to Hitler and such. This movie is a historical fiction thriller (I guess) about the people who may have been behind the assassination. It's an interesting look into Dutch political society, but it shouldn't be taken as a documentary by any means. This movie is also the last by Theo van Gogh, a descendant of the painter. Because he also was vocally against massive Muslim immigration, he was killed on an Amsterdam street by a Muslim.

The movie was decent enough, but I hate subtitles. Don't moviemakers know how lazy I am? If you can handle subtitles, it's OK as a look into Dutch politics. The conspiracy stuff was pretty stupid (Occam's Razor and all). I would have preferred a documentary about the whole thing, but I shouldn't dislike a movie for what it's not, rather than what it is.

Movie Review - The Marine

Since this is a WWE Films movie, it has the potential to be either an underrated action/vengeance flick or a train wreck. The last WWE Films one I saw was See No Evil (starring Kane), and it was bad. I have higher hopes here, so I'm doing a sort of live blog of it.

John Cena's character is named John. What a stretch. I can see the director having to change it to John at the beginning of shooting because Cena couldn't remember what his character's name was. It was probably much like when Homer entered the witness protection program in the Cape Feare episode of The Simpsons and they had to keep trying to get him to respond to his new name.

The main bad guy was the bad terminator in T2. That's always a treat. Plus, he's one of the 2 First Names All Stars, along with Frank Thomas and others.

In the beginning of the movie, John was discharged from the Marines for disobeying orders and rescuing his buddies. Now he's a security guard and he had to expel someone who was yelling at a secretary in an office upstairs. That was kind of fun.

Also, John's wife is that smoking-hot blond girl from Nip/Tuck. Great casting. Kelly Clarkson has really turned herself around lately.

Oh crap, a bunch of thugs stole John's car with his wife in it, and they are trying to kill him before they leave the gas station. If this is half as good as The Punisher, I'm going to be happy.

Great (if unrealistic) car chase scene, along with a sweet line of the bad guys says.

There are small bits of comic relief that are amusing and not entirely out of place.

These two drug-makers kidnapped John thinking he was a cop. John of course escaped by kicking their asses.

Holy crap, some super-hot gal in a bikini just answered a phone. In the movie I mean, not in my apartment. Nobody mixes in some T&A like Vinnie Mac!

Kelly Clarkson made a run for it, chased by the villian girl. Now they are fighting, and I gots to say it's pretty good action.

Now they are shooting up a bar. I almost started crying. It was one of those cool bars in a swamp with a boat docking station, like Porky's, too. I imagine Michelle or Kelin, being from the Everglades or wherever, to know about those places.

Bad Terminator may have killed more people in this movie than in T2.

Flashbacks to a Triple H match: John just got hit in the abdomen with a sledgehammer.

Kelly SOMEHOW came out of drowning thanks to John's CPR skills, but much like in T2 the Bad Terminator just won't die! Come on John, you know you have to throw him into molten iron ore to kill him.

HOLY BALLS. Watching the credits, I noticed that Lincon Kennedy (the former Raider) was in this movie playing HIMSELF. That must have been the huge guy who someone mentioned had played in a Super Bowl. That's somehow the most exciting part of the whole movie. I'm such a sports nerd.

SUMMARY: Not nearly as bad as I had read, but I certainly didn't expect much. Overall, it was a fun action movie with some good lines. Mild thumbs up.

Movie Reviews - 9/2/07

The Departed
It's very good, like everyone says. I'm not giving it movie-of-the-year awards or anything, but it's a cool story.

Gridiron Gang
Better than I thought it would be, and not as sappy as it could have been. Rocky was excellent.

8/25 Netflix reviews + bonus reviews

Wild Things: Diamonds in the Rough
I'm not sure what the point of this title is, other than that the studio that released this movie didn't want to release a Wild Things 3 (the title of it in Australia), causing everyone to say, "There was a Wild Things 2?" Loyal readers of this blog know the answer is, "Yes!" This movie wasn't quite as good as the second one. Also, there wasn't a single actor or actress that I recognized from anything else. This wasn't a bad movie assuming one doesn't expect much. It could be part of a goofy weekend of watching all three Wild Things movies consecutively. Just be sure to start drinking near the end of the first one so you don't notice the declining quality.

The Covenant
I'm not going to lie, I didn't pay very close attention to this movie. I was mostly reading political stuff on the internet. It was still kind of cool, though. The plot involved the modern-day descendants of a coven of male witches at a boarding school, or something. It's an OK way to spend a hangover.

The Illusionist
Big-time dramas don't usually make their way onto my queue, but I'm glad I watched this one. It had a nice twist, and Ed Norton was very good. Jessica Biel was in it too, but she was wearing lots of big clothes (it is a period piece). Let's face it, people don't like to watch her for her acting or her mildly pretty face. Only in a movie (or perhaps a fancy brothel) would a guy who looks like Ed Norton hook up with a gal like Jessica Biel, so that was some nice unintentional comedy. Don't worry, that's not giving up any plotline. That's picking nits, though, as this was a good movie.

And a bonus from HBO on Saturday night...
Snakes on a Plane
Now THIS is a movie I liked. Not much to dislike in this one. Samuel L. Jackson, nice talent, bunch of killer snakes, Champ Kind, and a bunch of cool action? I'll take two, please. My inner 13-year-old came out watching this movie. (Of course, he didn't have to go far.)

What the heck, one more...
Comedy Central Roast of Flavor Flav
Tons of awesome, awesome stuff. Jimmy Kimmel and Jeff Ross were as funny as they always are on these things, and Snoop Dogg was the unexpectedly best roaster. Get the DVD when it comes out and see it in its uncensored greatness.

8/18 Netflix reviews

Mini-reviews of 3 movies I watched this weekend:

Wet Hot American Summer
Written (essentially) by the guys who do Stella. It's a parody of summer camp movies, I guess, but I didn't like it too much. I can only take those guys in small doses, and while there was some funny stuff it wasn't quite my bag.

The OH in Ohio
Also not my type of movie, but but had some positives. Paul Rudd, Parker Posey, Danny DeVito, and Marissa Cooper were in it, along with that black guy who is a That Guy all-star (David Keith, I think) and is best known to me as having done the intro track for Westside Connection's Terrorist Threats album. That wasn't quite enough for me. It's got lots to do with sexual stuff (not the funny or cool kind kind), so maybe it's more of a ladies film.

Wild Things 2
I would have never guessed that this would be the best of the three, but it was. It starred a couple of very nice looking lasses, Jamaica St. Croix from Son of the Beach and the main bad girl from The In Crowd. It wasn't really a sequel to the original; it was more of a remake but with some different plotlines. People really savaged this movie in the Netflix rating system and on IMDB, but I think their expectations were too high given that it was direct-to-video. Mild thumbs up for viewers inclined to some T&A and murderous storylines.