Cubs - D-Backs NLDS Game 3 liveblog

OK, the D-Backs just plated their second run in the first, and there are runners on the corners. Clearly, I need to liveblog the proceedings, all the while keeping my eye on the USF-FAU game in the corner.

5:19 - Some guy named Hart is now warming up in the Cubs bullpen. In the first inning. As I finish typing that, Rich Hill just beaned Augie Ojeda to load the bases. Now the Cubs total collapse in 2003 was pretty entertaining, but this potential 3-game demolition may be even better.

5:21 - After 31 pitches, the Cubs get out of the inning only down 2. This should lead to some funny bullpen usage today by Pinella, because, as Dan Fouts kept saying in The Waterboy, they can't hold anything back.

5:26 - Goodness gracious, Livan Hernandez is fat. I don't mean David Wells fat or CC Sabathia fat (or even Prince Fielder fat), but the guy is professional athlete. Your body is your livelihood, man, how can you shorten your career like that? He's from Cuba, so maybe since he defected he's gotten a little too used to eating good food instead of cattle-feed and unleavened bread.

5:30 - After Soriano led off the game with a walk (I think), Theriot just grounded into a DP. Just order another round of Old Styles, dudes, it's going to be a long day.

5:31 - CFB interlude: FAU just stoned USF on 4th down at the FAU 45 with 11:30 to go in the game with the score 21-17, USF. I only note this because as you may expect, the FAU cheerleaders are breathtaking.

5:35 - Ramirez just struck out looking (not even close to a ball) to strand 2 and end the first. I mean, we all know what's coming, people. It's the CUBS! Meanwhile, USF just flexed their muscles with a ridiculous TD run that will probably be on the higlight shows. They are not up 10 with 10 minutes left.

5:39 - Chris Young is up again in the second inning. He was traded from the Sox to the D-Backs for Javier Vazquez, which I thought at the time was a fair trade (and I still do) because Vazquez is a good pitcher. Young is going to be pretty good, though. However, if he uses his powers for good, like by pounding the Cubs pitching staff this series, I like to think that I'm OK with that.

And after all that, he watched a 3-2 yakker for strike 3. Stephen Drew just got his second hit of the day (already!) and stole second, though, so that goofball Eric Byrnes is now up with a chance to do more damage.

5:44 - No dice. Byrnes hit a flyout that even the decaying remains of Cliff Floyd could catch in RF to end the inning.

By the way, FAU has some nice players on offense, including a white fullback with the Chris Cooley haircut who has been shredding the USF D. Then they stopped giving him the ball and the offense sputtered. UNTIL the Owls (that's FAU) just ripped off a 45-yard pass for a TD. They got stopped going for 2, though, and are down 5 with 6:41 to go. This game is strangely entertaining. It must be the Howard Schnellenberger sightings. I have a feeling this is what it was like to be around New York in 1962 to see a really old and half-senile Casey Stengel manage the Mets.

5:55 - The Cubs get 2 baserunners AGAIN in the second and don't score, although part of it was Hill's sacrifice attempt that led to a force out at third. Still, Livan is not good. The D-Backs and Cubs both know it, and after his 5 innings and 10 baserunners allowed, Arizona's going to dive into the bullpen to shut down the Cubs.

5:57 - Conor Jackson just knocked a third-inning leadoff double off the ivy and Soriano, causing me to have flashbacks to Ron Kittle (Gary, Indiana born and bred, baby, and 1983 AL ROY!) lurching around LF in the mid-1980's for the Sox.

6:00 - Jeepers, Hill made a pickoff attempt to second and almost threw it into center field. I'm hoping he gets pulled just so we can see Jason Marquis come for mop-up work in and start spraying gasoline everywhere (metaphorically speaking).

6:02 - Just flipped over to the sound of the football game and heard some girl say, "Are you going to work tomorrow?" on the TV feed. Florida Atlantic ain't quite big-time football just yet, no sirree. On a mildly serious level, their stadium looks like it would be a great place to watch a game. It's about the size of a European soccer stadium and has no upper level, so every seat would be an excellent one. And as it turns out, it was also an MLS stadium, so there you go. By the way, that took me far too long to find out.

6:10 - Just so you know, FAU got stoped on 4th down with 2 minutes to go on their own 20-yard-line, and USF is running down the clock and about to win 35-23 on a TD with 0:29 left. Good game, boys!

6:13 - What a surprise, the Cubs have 2 on with 1 out in the third. I'm going to guess they don't score. By the way, Livan reminds me a lot of Freddie Garcia. They are both big, fat, sweaty guys who screw around too much on the mound, having lots of 6 inning outings with 116 pitches.

6:16 - Ramirez grounded into a DP. What a shock. After three, it's 2-0, Arizona.

6:17 - I just remembered the Purdue-Ohio State game in on in 45 minutes. My fingers hurt already, but I'm going to attempt to watch that, too, while doing this.

6:19 - To steal a comment from John Perotto at BP, I guess some impressionist is getting his own show on TBS. Hopefully it goes better than Tyler Perry's House Of Payne.

This brings up another topic: TBS is supposed to be a comedy-based network (not purely so like Comedy Central, but it's their focus). So why are so many of their shows not funny? I think it's because they generally show things that women think is funny, like Sex and the City, Friends, and lots of lame movies (I have no idea how Seinfeld and Family Guy snuck through their programmers). The problem, of course, is that women just don't have a good sense of humor. Come now, we all know that's true. Anyway, I think that's how TBS comes up with original shows that would have last been considered funny in 1985 or so, while Comedy Central just blows the doors off of them with South Park, Halfway Home, Sarah Silverman Program, et all.

6:25 - Back to the game, after Livan Hernandez, of all people, got a single to put two on with no outs in the 4th, the Cubs dipped into the bullpen. In comes Michael Wuertz. I had to rewind to spell his name correctly. I am setting the over/under on total Cubs pitchers in this game at 5.5.

6:31 - With the bases drunk and 1 out, Eric Byrnes hits into a 5-4-3 DP, or so everyone thinks (including those ever-classy Cubs fans who are chanting BULL SH*T), as Byrnes is called safe at first. It's now 3-0, D-Backs.

6:34 - You can just sense the mood shifting for the crowd. It's not really quiet; it's more like a cranky murmur, with outright booing after the third out. I may have to start drinking soon to celebrate.

6:36 - I have to give it to NutriSystem, their ads are tremendous. They always find absolutely gorgeous women to be in their commercials. It's sort of like a mini-Cinemax moment.

6:38 - So with their 40-20 thrashing of Minnesota today, Indiana is now 5-1 overall and 2-1 in the conference, and they have to be thinking about a bowl game. As if I don't have enough other TV distractions, I will now have to plan around Hoosiers football games. With the Big Ten Network, I'll be able to watch them all, too. The best thing is that if they and Purdue can both stay at least bowl-eligible, their game at the end of the season will be the most significant meeting between them in at least 15 years. That would be a good day to head to Durkin's.

6:41 - The Cubs have runner on 2nd and 3rd with one down in the fourth inning. That's too good of a situation for even them to not get a run. But if there is one thing I know, it's that you won't be a poor man betting against the Cubs.

6:46 - Anyway, they did get one and it's 3-1 going into the 5th.

6:48 - Holy smokes, I didn't know the Mellencamp Chevy commercials had invaded the MLB playoffs. You'd think that the way GM is bleeding money they couldn't afford to pay him. But really, how expensive would Mellencamp be nowadays? I bet Fubar's classes don't even know who he is.

6:51 - Anway, the Cubs' best reliever, Carlos Marmol, just entered the game. That makes for their THIRD pitcher of the game. He should shut them down for a few innings, calming this game down until he leaves. By the way, I'm going to keep highlighting new Cubs pitchers with BOLDED CAPS so it's easy to keep track.

6:55 - Of course, after getting the leadoff hitter Marmol walked the next two, prompting a visit from pitching coach Larry Rothschild. They just showed a fat father/son sombo in the stands looking melancholy. Needless to say, I'm delighted!

6:58 - Whenever I each a huge batch of chicken nuggets in one sitting, I spend a few hours afterwards sweating profusely. You'd think I'd learn from that, but what are you going to do?

7:00 - HA! We almost had a Bartman moment, and Dick Stockton immediately jumped on it. Way to bring back those great memories for all those Cub fans who are already about to set themselves on fire, based on the way this game is going. Anyway, Marmol gets out of the inning with no futher damage and it's time to put the Purdue-OSU game on PIP. I'll bet Lauren is pumped that West Lafayette is going to be prominently featured on national TV.

7:08 - HOLY SHIT! The crowd at Ross-Aide is going absolutely insane (all wearing black) and they drove the little locomotive on the field. Wicked cool. I can just imagine the a typical student's day today: After passing out at 4 AM, get up at 6:30 AM to go to breakfast club. Get completely bombed again until about 1 PM, at which point a huge nap is commenced until about 6 PM, when it's time to get ready for the game. The atypical student, however, did all that but replaced the nap with hanging out at a bar, drinking at someone's apartment, or tailgating. Ah, to be young...

7:14 - Livan just walked Ramirez to load the bases with 1 out in the 5th. I make no predictions, but I suspect a DP is coming.

7:18 - Like I say, you won't go poor betting against the Cubs. 6-4-3 d0uble play, and we go into the 6th inning with Arizona still up 3-1.

7:20 - We come back from the break with the camera showing a depressed Cubs fan. I'm not trying to be mean, but she is an unattractive, middle-aged woman. (Then show an even older, more unattractive woman.) But geez, I thought Wrigley Field was always full of hot chicks, while only ugly white trash goes to Sox games! At least, that's what snobby a-hole Cub fans would say.

Uh oh. Watching this game makes me remember why I hated the Cubs and their fans for so long.

7:23 - Since we have a bit of an interlude here, I'd like to commend the announcing team for this game. On play-by-play, we have Dick Stockton, who is once again showing that he may be the best in the business. On color commentary we have Ron Darling, who is one of Dave Sachs' brothers from the islands. He's also an alumnus of the 1986 Mets, who partied so much they probably had Motley Crue saying back then, "Dang, those guys really party!" Anyway, they are very understated and are just describing the action on the field. I posted about TBS's coverage before, but it's still accurate. I feel like writing them an e-mail to them, CC'ing Fox so they know how much they suck.

7:25 - Oops. HR by Byrnes, and it's now 4-1. They show that old ugly woman again. Ha! You're going to die and never see a World Series title and I won't! I admit that I'm not a good person.

7:28 - The Boilers just gave up a TD. I hope it's not a long night for them, as it's always fun to bring OSU down a peg or two.

7:32 - Livan just had an easy 1-2-3 inning in the sixth. Most impressive of all, he is doing this in 85-degree heat. I'm sweating just sitting here; I can only imagine what he's going through.

7:35 - Entering the game in the top of the 7th for the Cubs, Bobby Howry. This is notable for two reasons. First, I have a Howry game-worn Sox jersey. Second it's the Cubs' FOURTH pitcher of the game.

7:38 - My jersey buddy induces a double play to get out the 7th with no damage. Meanwhile, OSU just went up 14-0 only 10 minutes into the game. Yikes.

7:43 - Soriano leads off the bottom of the 7th with a 6-4 groundout, and the fans BOO HIM! What a bunch of jerks. The guy has a legitimately big year (.299/.337/.560 BA/OBP/SLG) and they crap all over him for not getting a hit in one at bat.

7:48 - After Theriot singles up the middle, Lee grounds into a 4-6-3 double play, and the fans boo HIM. Watching animals eat their own can be fun.

7:50 - Pretty boy Kirk Herbstreit was just talking about the OSU QB being "greyshirted" his first year in school. I have no idea what that is. Anybody? In other news, the Boiler faithful are still really jacked up. Either that of they snuck in flasks of Jack Daniels.

8:03 - Not much going on, so let's start a countdown. Ramirez just made the second out of the 8th with a groudout to Drew at shortstop, so the Cubs are now down to FOUR outs. And the boos start up again. With DeRosa about to make the 3rd out, I should turn down the sound on the TV because I'll probably be able to hear the booing from here.

8:08 - After a DeRosa single, Jacque Jones flies out to Young. THREE outs to go. The highlight wasn't even the booing, but a fantastic commerical right afterwards for Holiday Inn. Some guy sees Cal Ripken now and mentions they went to high school together. The guy has no idea what Ripken's done since high school, so he asks him what he does. After telling him he was a baseball player, the guy responds with, "Where was that, Jamaica?" His friends tell him that Ripken's pretty famous, and the last thing we hear is that guy asking Ripken, "Oh, so that was your vocation?"

8:11 - We come back from the break with, of all people, Kerry Wood pitching for the Cubs. That's number FIVE. Anyway, as the Cubs' season fizzles out it's nice to see shell of a formerly great player mopping up a loss in the clinching game of a playoff sweep. Of course, he coughs up a home run by Drew on to Sheffield. 5-1, D-Backs. The Byrnes singles and steals second, causing MORE boos. Something tells me Wood doesn't send Christmas cards to Dusty Baker.

8:16 - The fans are still there, but they are pretty quiet, save for the occasional yells like, "Throw the ball!" As Simmons would write, good times.

8:20 - OK, this Frank fella who is getting the new show is pretty good at impressions, but I can't imagine I want to watch his show. This leads me to something I've been thinking about: these new comedies I'm watching aren't that great. Back To You, which I REALLY wanted to like because of Kelsey Grammar, just isn't doing anything for me. The Big Bang Theory is better, but it's nothing special. I think I've become really jaded about comedies after watching IASIP, South Park, Halfway Home, King of the Hill, Futurama, and shows like that that have such sharp writing. The only sitcoms on non-Fox network TV that I watch are 30 Rock and My Name is Earl, which are similarly unique. I know you Office and How I Met Your Mother fans keep hassling me to check those out, but I'm just too skeptical. Sorry, I'm just not trusting you guys on this.

8:25 - Jason Kendall just watched strike 3 leading off the ninth, and the Cubbies are down to TWO outs. Speaking of guys who got wrecked from overuse, Kendall caught a ton of innings when he was younger. I suspect that's why he can't either play defense or hit any more. Just because Pudge Rodriguez is a frak of nature who could take the pounding doesn't mean everyone can.

8:26 - Ward just whiffed, and the Cubs are down to ONE out.

8:27 - Soriano walked to the plate as their last hope and heard some pre-emptive boos. Now that's dedication, Cubs fans. Phillies fans would be proud.

8:28 - F9, game over. The crowd is basically taking a big dump all over their team. This is fantastic, and clearly a drubbing that Cubs fans probably never felt like they were in. Not just this game, but the series. I'd compare it to the 2000 NLDS where the Mariners swept the Sox, and none of the games felt close. In other news, OSU is up 17-0 on the Boilers with 2 minutes to go in the first half.

And with that, I'm done! Have a great night. I know I will. Let the chants of ONE HUN DRED begin...